Relationships are the foundation of restorative practices. As Smith et al. (2015) emphasize, “Whereas traditional discipline focuses on the violation of rules, restorative practices focus on the violation of people and relationships.” Without meaningful, trusting relationships, the process of “restoration” often falls flat. Schools that attempt to implement restorative practices without a culture of trust, respect, and relationship-building will struggle to hold students accountable for their actions and will struggle to restore the issues caused by harm.
During my time as a principal and assistant principal, I encountered many challenges with student behavior. One particular situation stands out - a student who plagiarized a drawing in his art class and reacted defiantly when confronted by his teacher. Fortunately, I had built a strong rapport and relationship with this student, having shared many positive interactions before this disciplinary issue arose. He knew I cared about him, that I would listen, and that I valued his perspective.
When the student - let’s call him Diego - walked into my office, he was visibly frustrated and defensive. He refused to take responsibility for his actions, insisting instead that I simply punish him and move on. Our conversation unfolded like this:
Me: “Tell me a bit about what happened in class.”
Diego: “The teacher hates me. He never believes me. No adults at this school believe students.”
Me: “What is it that he doesn’t believe?”
Diego: “I always do my work! He’s saying this isn’t my work! Here—look at it!”
Me: “Wow, this is really good. Why do you think he doubts that you did this?”
Diego: “Because he hates me. Teachers never believe students here....he wants me to fail.”
Me: “Well, Diego, I want to believe you. And I understand why the teacher might be skeptical of this work. Let’s do this - why don’t you redo the assignment? I’ll provide you with paper and anything else you need. You can work on it here in my office, and I’ll personally vouch for your effort after you finish. Would you be open to that?”
Diego: Pauses “Yeah, I guess… but no one ever believes me.”
Me: “I believe in you. Let’s work on this.”
Two hours later, Diego had been diligently working on his drawing. Eventually, he sighed and handed me his assignment.
Diego: “Mr. Pulgarin, I’m done. I don’t want to try anymore.”
I looked at both drawings—the original and the new one—and it was clear that they didn’t match.
Me: “Diego, I appreciate your effort. But I have to be honest - these two drawings look very different. It’s hard for me to believe that the same person created both. I understand why the teacher has his doubts."
Diego: “Okay… I’m sorry. I just printed a picture. I feel so busy, and I’m not a good artist. I didn’t want to get a zero. My parents would punish me and I want to play tennis.”
Me: “Thank you for telling the truth. I know that wasn’t easy. But I appreciate your honesty, and I respect that you value our relationship enough to come clean.”
In the end, Diego confessed-not because of fear or punishment, but because he recognized that I genuinely wanted to believe him and that he was not being truthful. Once he was met with trust and positive intent, he felt safe enough to tell the truth. We followed the school’s disciplinary process and, most importantly, worked to restore his relationship with his teacher.
Restorative practices require more than just addressing harm; they demand that we guide students through the process of repair. We must provide the support they need to take responsibility and rebuild trust (students do not inherently know how to repair relationships when they are harmed). As Ted Wachtel, a trustee at the International Institute for Restorative Practices (IIRP), explains, “Human beings are happier, more cooperative and productive, and more likely to make positive changes in their behavior when those in positions of authority do things with them, rather than to them or for them.” I think Diego would agree.
Ultimately, building positive relationships with students must be an intentional effort. Educators must create the conditions for these connections to flourish. Teachers should take time to learn about students’ interests, backgrounds, and families. Administrators should make themselves visible - greeting students in the hallways, showing up in classrooms, and engaging with them beyond moments of discipline.
As Smith et al. (2015) assert, “When students care about the relationships they have with others, they work to keep those relationships healthy and to repair any damage to them.” Without strong relationships, students will resist restorative practices, and our communities will be worse off because of it.
Pointer, L. (2018, February 18). Learning to work with the social discipline window. Lindsey Pointer. https://lindseypointer.com/2018/02/18/learning-to-work-with-the-social-discipline-window/
Smith, D., Fisher, D., & Frey, N. (2015). Better than carrots or sticks: Restorative practices for positive classroom management. ASCD.